Kay, firstly I'm not gonna be a total emo about shit cause I don't care. Mostly due to my mentality of knowing that whenever I'm in deep shit or whenever it's not going great in life - I'll always know that there's someone who is in deeper shit, someone who is struggling even more. Now, I'd say the biggest problem with me is that I goof around too much. Rarely will you find me serious. Even during "real-talks" I tend to find a way to season it with some humor. Honestly, without a doubt, this might actually be my biggest flaw. It's probably one of the biggest reasons why I never had a serious relationship with anyone. Or to be more precise, have only 1 in my 21 years of life. Probably why I never had a REAL friend in my life. Like, anyone who doesn't know me that well would think that I'm a pretty solid person with a normal friend group and a healthy social life. But the truth is far from that. I'm hanging out with people who I know will ditch and eventually forget about me, and it wouldn't be the first time. But I don't mind, cause imo, I see myself filling the "clown" role in a group pretty well. This also transitioned to interwebs. I've been a part of many communities and I've never find anyone who gave 2 fucks about me. I've been fully active on osu for nearly a year now and I only befriended about 5 people and 4 of them don't even play this game anymore. Honestly, I have no passion and no particular interests. It's mostly general knowledge about various things. I'd force myself towards something (ex. cars and shit) just to make myself less boring around a certain group of people.

I would just like to meet a person who watches anime and either have a nice watching session or just have small talk about it. But as a closet fan, it's highly unlikely, especially with how this medium is frowned upon in my place. But I don't let anything get to me. Only thing that did, is when i had to pull out of from studying journalism due to personal issues. I was motivated and willing, but it just wasn't meant to be. But even still, I managed to find a nice stable job, it's not the best but i'm getting some solid cash so it's all good. But I guess that would be it. That's me. That one guy you either find fun and awesome or you just hate me and/or find me obnoxious.

ok so i thought i was capable of making friends.
i had good friends, although i wasn't that close to them (as in i never went to their parties); but i always had people to sit next to / wanting to sit next to me.
we had fun in class..etc. but coming to uni i found out that i actually avoid relationships.
the dorm is such a great place where i can stop caring about myself and others, a place i can have for myself

today i was with a great group of friends and there's this girl who's really energetic and bright, (not to mention tall and pretty) she literally shines
it's really fun hanging out with her because i know i wont get judged at all, and she likes going places with people so we went to the museum today, for example.

and seeing the three boys trying to win her off, (the girl has no clue lol) was so bad. i had to come back. it's not that the group's bad; the boys literally stick to her like she's their momma. it's like they're seduced, it was creeping me out so i parted from them. i dont know. do i want friends? im totally fine being alone, but i'd also like friends who share the same interest as i do. i guess i'll meet those people once clubs start and stuff, so im not that worried. but im worried about getting judged, having no friends and having no contact when needing help or something. i.. i want to play osu and be happy D:

i think i judge people too hard. i dont judge on the internet and people who i've met irl who i've known on the internet, as i've mentioned on my ama i think. but when it comes to people i met irl i start judging (by myself) so i assume others do that as well, since im doing it in the first place. hence the distance, hence the reason i dont get to make friends.

This is extremely personal, but this is an online forum that is not tied to me so I think I can say this. I've been here for almost a year now and I have gained trust in many people here.

When I transfered to my current high school at the start of the eleventh grade, I had a brand-new start, a fresh slate. I committed myself to making as many friends as possible in two years, the last two years of high school. Maybe I would get a close friend or two out of it. I was so excited that I was going to get a second chance at social life. I didn't have a good history of socializing with people up to then. I've never had a friend before. People say, "well you must've had at least one friend." No, I've never had a single friend up to that point. Always sitting by myself at lunch, hating group assignments, and never getting invited to any birthday parties; nothing hurts more as a kid than watching almost everyone in the fucking class get a birthday invitation, everyone minus you. That shit wears down on you when you experience it for ten years of school, wears down on you hard. So, naturally, I was excited to get a second chance at making friends in my new school. But the reality of the situation set in two months after I transfered: nothing is ever going to change because I will eternally be lacking in social skills. I can't talk to people; I can't fucking talk to anyone. I can't talk to strangers, I freeze up and don't know what to say apart from the usual fillers ("oh yeah", "that's cool", "nice"); that is, of course, if I even get the courage to walk up to them and say something. I have trouble telling people "excuse me", for fuck's sake, much less ask them for a piece of information, and talking to people casually? Fucking forget about it. Talking is a vital key in making friends: after all, you can't be friends with a mute dumbass like me. When people take pity on my depressing existence and come up and talk to me instead of me to them, I freeze up as well. Whenever they want to know a piece of information, I give it to them, but can't add anything else onto it to spark a conversation. And when someone desperate enough to keep something going I tense up and fuck up everything I say. I probably say the wrong things to them, too, because anyone I have the honor of talking to never fucking speaks to me again. I am now in the 12th grade, my last year in the school system, and I have still not acquired someone I can call a friend. Do you know how much it hurts knowing that you failed, that you you fucked up your second chance at making friends? That you are mentally unable to have relationships with others? That you will stay like this for the rest of your life, and will never change? Lunchtime hurts because instead of eating lunch and socializing, I have no one to each lunch or socialize with, so I go up to a teacher's classroom and eat lunch there, in silence, by myself. It hurts whenever we have to do any work in groups, especially when we are given the "privilege" of choosing our own groups. Every day is miserable knowing that I will never be successful in life.

It's so fucking sad how I cannot perform a basic function of human society. Many people say humans are social animals; because I am unable to socialize, does that make me not human?

I plan to go to college next year, and again I will have another chance to make friends, but I've already given up any and all hope of this dream, seeing how well it worked out a year ago. I have already given up my fantasy of having a few close friends by my side having fun and sharing stories together. This is my dream, but I know it's impossible to achieve. I know of someone who is a year older than me and is in college now and has already achieved a group of friends that I've daydreamed about so many times, and she did it in under two weeks of arriving. I know there a bit of drama going on in the group, but in all honesty I would be willing to endure that one hundred times if it meant having any friends at all. How can socializing come to people so naturally? Am I not a person? That is probably the case.

At any rate, I hope that I can regain the hope I lost (lol) for the future, and I hope I can somehow achieve this dream of mine I've had for so long.

lol it's kinda depressing reading johnny's post because i was going to write exactly how non-social i was.
(hi johnny *wave*)

so ok i got a group of friends. i was happy since they were all cool i guess and non-problematic and social, whatever, so at least i got some people to hang out with during my free time and stuff. but i realized, over a month, that im not the social type. i like people. i like talking to them, i like laughing and being interested in random topics, i like entertaining them, just chatting. everyone is cool around me too so during those moments i dont have to be a jerk who has a complex over every single fucking thing and overreacts with every action someone takes. (for example i was internally depressed for a few days because my friend didnt reply back to a question i asked, jesus fucking christ)

i like hanging out with friends, yeah, but all my friends do are read stories to each other, watch drama, read poems, sing. these are not my things, and if i do hang out with them while they do these kinds of things i feel like it's a massive waste of time. and i realized it is. it jsut makes me tired and i barely study two hours a day because of these fucking "social" activities. i hate them with a passion. yes i might be privileged, but this is not how i work. i need friends that can hang out within an hour, such as, hit me up with one or two rounds of games, and go back to study mode instantly after that. which, according to my experience, the science students are better at doing that.

in my group, when i try to leave(because they're doing a useless time-waster), someone always goes "buuuut kaiiiiii...pwease study with us" (yes she actually FUCKING says that word by fucking word, not to mention she squeezes her cheeks together and does not. persuade. me . at fucking all. this is the main source of my fucking depression. ) and i know if i leave then they'll talk about it later on and how im a massive jerk. so i usually stay. and it's a fucking waste of time, and i get pissed. i want to hang out with the science kids i met two weeks ago. they seem to be having a much more productive and fun life than whatever shit im in right now. im sorry johnny, really, im having the fun of my life lecturewise and attending a few club activities and stuff, but my friend and social life isnt the best, at least for me. im trying to distance myself out of it, even.
it's just not for me. that's what i realized.

i sometimes want to tell them how retarded they are, how they're never going to graduate because hell someone doesnt even know how to do 1+1 and never fucking studies, always reads fanfics and cries all night because who knows what depression they have, one of them is just eternally afraid of not having friends and calls at least one person to walk with him because he fucking can't stand being alone. it's just these little things that tick me off and gets me astonished at how immature and fragile these fucking "adults" are and that's why im trying to become more independent and live like the fucking individual i am.

and heck, i can't stand being in a room with just one other person because i run out of things to say. i'd rather play games with another friend, not have a fucking "girlie chat" about crushes celeb and eternal depression i'd rather kill myself.

Following recent events, it's time for another one of these.
And given my current nature, it'll be slightly heated.

So, a number of people have tried to offer me "help", despite me repeatedly saying that I don't want it. Well, yeah, I don't. Because 9 times out of 10,
you have no fucking idea what you're dealing with (point proven in these recent cases), and any attempt you try to make will genuinely just result in making things worse, as you have no understanding of the situation. You know, sometimes saying less is more. Perhaps if you'd ask me about certain things first we wouldn't have this issue? As it currently is, there is a lot you say and do that you don't realise is incredibly hurtful.

Yeah, I have depression. Yeah, I can't control what I'm saying sometimes.
Yeah, I'll regret what I say later on. However, it's fucking low to try and use that against me to guilt-trip me when I simply cannot fucking control it at times, just so you can beat me down even further than I already am.

You can say you're here for me as much as you want, but are you really?

It really doesn't look or feel like it.

it's annoying when everyone is supporting you, there are just so many great people, but i just can't live up to it.
so many people have told me good things and told me i can do it, but honestly im feeling a level of depression i've never felt before.
im usually pretty optimistic about things like these but it feels like there's no way out. logically there should be, but it seems so impossible.
i used to suck at focusing, yes, but this time round it's not even sucking at it, it's just not being able to focus at all.
there's only two weeks left of this shit and im disappointed in myself with the fact that i cant hold my shit together even when it's only two weeks and there's a bunch of people out there that are believing in me. i just have to hold it together for two more weeks and then seek whatever help i need, yet it seems so far and im scared of risking my grades because of my mood. it's just a shitfest, and i dont know where to go. well i do know where to go, but it seems kinda late at this point when the finals are literally in my face..

I don't really know what to think of myself anymore.

I just look in the mirror and I cant think of anything postive about myself.
Im always tired and just upset and everything sucks.
I don't even have a reason to feel this way.

Heck, I spend most of my time outside of school alone in my room.
Playing games and watching anime.
Sometimes sleeping all evening or staying up until 1 AM.

Haha... what a mess.

Sometimes I just feel so lonely. I have so much on my mind, so much that I'm struggling with internally, but I don't want to vent or share it with people.

I'm scared that I'll just be that guy that everyone feels pity for, but they don't actually care. I'm scared that people will think I'm just doing this all for attention. I'm scared that people won't be able to handle my struggles or they won't want to deal with it, and they'll end up leaving me. I'm scared that I'll be a burden to everyone. I'm scared that once I share my thoughts with people, their perception of me will change, ultimately leading to them acting differently with me.

I just don't know what to do, I need someone in real life to be there for me, but I'm too scared. This is all coming from experience from what happened all throughout 2018. I've already had so many personal relationships ruined due to this.

Hell, I don't even want to post this here right now, but I know that I need to vent somehow.